Why We Avoid End-of-Life Planning And Why It’s Hurting the People We Love

Aditi

3 min read

person holding pen with coffee on table
person holding pen with coffee on table

The Psychology Behind the Avoidance

Avoiding death is not just a cultural habit; it’s deeply human. The fear of death, known as thanatophobia, is one of our most primal anxieties. It’s not just fear of physical death, but fear of what it represents: loss of control, identity, relationships, and certainty.

Here are some of the most common psychological reasons people put off planning for their own death:

1. Death Feels Far Away

Many of us operate under the illusion of time. “I’ll get to it one day,” we say. Planning feels like something for much later in life ... after the kids grow up, after retirement, once things settle down. But death doesn’t wait for convenience.

2. We Think It’s Morbid

Talking about death is often seen as negative, even inviting bad luck. It makes people uncomfortable. Some fear that by planning, they’re somehow hastening death or admitting defeat. But this is magical thinking, not reality. In truth, naming our mortality makes space for deeper presence in life.

3. We Don’t Know Where to Start

Most people weren’t taught how to prepare for death, emotionally, legally, or logistically. The process can feel overwhelming: wills, advance care directives, funeral planning, digital legacies, and family conversations. Without guidance, the default response is to do nothing.

4. We’re Avoiding Emotional Pain

End-of-life planning asks us to face painful truths: that we will die, that people we love will grieve, that we might become unwell, or lose independence. It’s no wonder people shut down or change the subject.

The Ripple Effect on Loved Ones

When someone dies without a plan in place, the fallout is far more than just paperwork. It lands directly in the laps of grieving families, who are often blindsided not just by their loss, but by a minefield of unanswered questions and urgent decisions.

Here’s how avoidance impacts those left behind:

1. Emotional Distress

When there are no clear instructions, loved ones are left guessing. Did they want to be buried or cremated? What music would they have wanted? Were there relationships that needed tending to? This guessing game can be agonising.

2. Family Conflict

Lack of clarity breeds disagreement. Even the most loving families can fall into conflict when there’s no plan to follow. Long-simmering tensions may resurface, particularly around money, roles, or perceived closeness to the person who has died.

3. Practical Chaos

Without a plan, someone has to make dozens of decisions quickly, often while sleep-deprived, in a state of shock, and emotionally raw. From death certificates to funeral homes to banks, the list of urgent tasks can be overwhelming.

4. Financial Consequences

If there’s no will, estate planning, or clear financial documentation, assets may be frozen, superannuation entitlements delayed, and debts passed on. Families may have to hire solicitors, go through probate, or shoulder funeral costs themselves.

Planning is a Gift, Not a Burden

There’s a shift that happens when we reframe end-of-life planning as an act of love rather than a chore. It becomes something we do not just for ourselves, but for the people we care about most.

By planning you:

  • Ease the mental load on loved ones

  • Ensure your wishes are honoured

  • Prevent unnecessary disputes

  • Protect your assets and legacy

  • Create space for meaningful goodbyes

You also give yourself a chance to live more fully, knowing that the end of your story won’t be written in chaos or confusion, but in clarity and care.

Where to Begin (First Steps)

You don’t have to do everything at once. Planning is a process, and it’s okay to start small. Here are a few foundational steps:

1. Start the Conversations

Begin talking to your partner, children, close friends, or a professional about your thoughts, fears, and preferences. Even a single conversation can open the door.

2. Write Down What Matters

Think beyond the will. What does a good death look like to you? Who should speak on your behalf if you can’t? What values do you want reflected in your care and farewell?

3. Organise the Essentials

Make a simple folder or complete the Legacy Kit. Include your will, enduring power of attorney, passwords, insurance details, bank accounts, and funeral preferences. Let someone know where to find it.

4. Get Professional Support

You don’t have to do this alone. A consultant or death literacy guide can walk you through the process with empathy and clarity.

What Happens When We Face It

When we stop avoiding death, we invite in something powerful: connection. The conversations become richer. The relationships feel more honest. The fear begins to soften.

Death is not the opposite of life; it’s part of it. And planning for it, bravely and compassionately, can be one of the most life-affirming things we ever do.